Time For Dessert!

Obsessing Over Desserts…

I have just a smidge of an obsessive personality. I’m sure none of you know anything about that. So I’ll tell you. It’s a real pain in the ass sometimes. When you get started on something, it takes hold of your thoughts and doesn’t let go until it’s squeezed all the energy out of you.
And lately, I’ve been obsessed with desserts.
That’s right – desserts. OK I’m usually obsessed with thinking about desserts, but this time around I was obsessed with writing about desserts.

It started a few weeks ago, when I wrote this blog post and offered “Generationally Appropriate Dessert Toppings” as a possible topic for an eBook giveaway. Lo and behold, someone requested it! So while I was in California, I started the book. I just finished it today.
And by finished, I mean finished writing, researching, designing, creating and uploading my very first eBook product. I just had to get it done before I started writing anything else.

Someone recently asked me how I came up with a book like this. All I had at first was a title – I had no idea what I would actually write about! I do that a lot – I’ll think of a title first and then write the story or article. How the heck would I write about Generationally Appropriate Dessert Toppings… what does that even mean? Hmmm. I had to think on that one a while.

Sweet Deal!
And now you can find out what I came up with! The book is a 21 page PDF – mercifully short! – full of my interpretation and analysis of desserts in the 20th and 21st Century.  And it’s ready for you to read. There are four ways you can get yourself a copy:

1. As promised, it’s available FREE to anyone who has signed up for my newsletter. All you have to do, is reply to the newsletter announcement, letting me know you’d like one, and it’s yours.
2. If you haven’t yet signed up for my newsletter, feel free to do so – it’s spam-free, released twice a month, and guaranteed to increase your amusement level by at least 7% – and that’s cumulative. You’ll find the form at the end of this post. Then let me know if you’d like the PDF.

And if you don’t want to sign up for the newsletter, you still have options!

3. I recently took part in an online challenge – to create a product, put it up for sale and see if one person will give you $1. So to that end, the book is also up for sale here, for $1.99. It was fun to learn how to do the online commerce part.
4. If you don’t want to sign up for the newsletter, and you don’t want to pay $1.99 for a copy of this fabulous piece of literature – say you’re totally broke and have 4,679 emails in your inbox that you haven’t read yet and so you don’t want my bi-weekly correspondence adding to your clutter, email me at hello@acneil.com and give me one REALLY GOOD REASON why I should give you a copy. Come on – I’m sure you can think of one! I can think of lots of reasons why you should have one.

I’m glad this project is done. It was fun, and I’m sure the next one will take less time (you’d better believe I already have an idea for the second one, more on that later). And now I can move on to other things. Like copywriting. And blogging. And blogging about copywriting.
dessertcover

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shopping.

​this one time, i was walking around in the grocery store looking for the sweet relish, and i got totally lost. i found the 2,000-roll econo pack of toilet paper, and the even cheezier nacho chips, and the box of healthy cereal that gets smaller and smaller while the price gets higher and higher… but still no sweet relish.on i walked, past the moth balls, the fiber granola bars, nose hair trimmers, funfetti cake mix, family packs of bologna… still no relish. i started to panic. what if i never find it? or even worse, what if i never find my way out of this place??!?! i started to wheeze.

then suddenly, right in front of the display of holiday themed cupcakes, a giant hole opened up in the floor. it was dark and a bit musty. but i didn’t care – it was a way out! i jumped in, feet first.
and out i came in belize, just like that. sitting under a palm tree, in front of the ocean, a warm, fresh breeze on my face. my friend ruddy appeared, with a fresh coconut, the top cut off, a straw dipped in to reach the sweet, fresh water inside. ok, i thought. i like this kind of shopping.

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a trip to waldbaum’s.

So I says to him, I says, “Arnie, don’t stand like that. It’s bad for your back. What’s all the fuss about anyway?”
But does he listen? He never listens anymore. It used to be that I would say something and Arnie would listen. And sometimes he’d even say something. Did I get more boring? Or did he start to care less? I can’t tell. I guess maybe I might nag him a little more. But when he never listens, I have to say it over and over again…
We’re standing right inside the doors of Waldbaum’s and when I look over at what he’s standing in front of, I see what all the fuss is about. A Starbucks! In our Waldbaum’s! For chrissakes, what will they come up with next. They’ve got the little kiosk set up inside the store but they’re still working on the big plastic sign with that naked lady on it. Looks like they’re having a little trouble securing it to the beam over the kiosk. “Come on Arnie,” I says to him. “that’s too rich for our blood.” One trip to Starbucks’ would undo all the coupon clipping I just did.
So we’re walking down the canned vegetable aisle. I’m pushing the wagon of course. Arnie dawdles too much by the potted meat. I don’t know why he still likes that stuff. No one eats it anymore. I sigh and walk back to where he’s standing. I look at him. He looks at the can he’s holding, then at me, then puts it back on the shelf. Such attitude from this man.
I hear myself tsking and I go back to the wagon (I left my purse in it, I’ve got to stop doing that). We walk through the rest of the store picking out only what’s on the list. Arnie picks up a few more things that aren’t on the list and looks at me. I’m not even going to say it. Maybe Arnie doesn’t listen because so much of our talking these days is done without words. We just shoot each other looks. He never looks like he loves me anymore.
So we’re standing in line to check out. I make Arnie get the cart ready so’s we can pull our groceries home. I put all the stuff on the conveyor belt and get out my billfold. I keep all the coupons and all the money – if I let Arnie get hold of it – mercy! The things he would come home with from the store. We tried that a few times. It didn’t work.
I put the stuff on the belt and pull out my coupon book. I pay and chat with Alice as she puts our items in our sacks. I tried to get Arnie to do it for her but he says he can’t on account of his back. “Can you at least pull the cart home this time?” I ask him. He gives me a look OK. I’m walking behind Arnie and I’m not really paying attention to what he’s doing because I got to get the change and the coupons back in my billfold and I don’t want my coupons blowing all over the front of the store. There’s a really good one for salad dressing that I almost lose.
“I told you not to stand like that Arnie,” I says to him again. I guess I slowed down too much and I guess I’m not keeping a good enough eye on Arnie. I guess I think he stopped before going out of the store so I can catch up with him. Instead I guess he’s walking back over to Starbuck’s and is actually planning to get a cup of coffee (even though I told him NO) because next thing I know, I hear a big CRASH and I look up and there’s Arnie, smack under the giant Starbuck’s sign that lands square on his personage. At least I could still get to the groceries OK.

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