Coffee Analysis Project

In 2015, I started analyzing people's personalities based on a photograph they took of their morning coffee. Often times funny, and sometimes freakishly accurate, these personality snapshots are here for your reading pleasure.

Derrick's caption: 
Morning coffee.

CAP #1: Derrick Giltner

Originally published 8/26/15

Derrick's caption: Morning coffee.


A creative, take-charge kinda guy, Derrick starts his day with big cup of No Nonsense Black Coffee. With 12 teaspoons of raw cane sugar. 

He appreciates hand-crafted things, buying locally, and likes a mix of vintage retro and modern tech. However, the presence of a non-Apple mouse causes me to question his loyalty, or possibly might indicate a problem with authority. 

Although he tried to be organized (Field Notes notebook), he may sometimes have trouble following through with said organization (unused Field Notes Notebook). Everyone knows that if you're truly organized, you're at the very least borderline OCD and would never have a keyboard, mouse and notebook all at different angles on your desk. 

All this said, Derrick has a keen eye for detail, color and spatial relations. An artist at heart, he finds joy bringing color to people's lives, because they bring color to his. 


CAP #2: Jessica Bowers

Originally published 8/26/15

Jessica's caption:  No coffee today but please analyze this.

Holy sh*t, where to start here. OK. This person obviously has a very loud personality. Or possibly, she is very quiet in real life but is full of garish colors and zero calorie “xenergy” on the inside. If we’re not careful, this xenergy could bust forth at any moment and catch us all off guard. Let’s hope she’s not armed when this happens.

Jessica’s Cran Razz psyche longs for travel and adventure but is obviously stuck in a really boring office. She spends too much time wondering how the hell this happened.

And look at the can – it’s sweating. Do you know how cold it is in those sterile office environments? This drink is TOO COLD but also TOO HOT at the same time. It is DANGEROUS.

Jessica has a thing for one-eyed tchotchkes, and needs to be careful that this doesn’t lead to hoarding tendencies. Or a Cyclopsian Complex. Either way, her family should be concerned.

I get the distinct feeling that because of Jessica’s vibrant, overly-caffeinated personality, she shouldn’t be drinking this crap. It’s making her overheat. And what she really needs is a cool ocean breeze on her face instead.